Trouble packing

The trouble is that I really haven't done any of it. Don't get me wrong. I want to pack. I really do understand that I need to pack. But there's some sort of disconnect between my head - which knows that it's long past time to pack - and my arms and hands. The problem is that nothing seems to want to be rolled up and packed away. Those of you who know me well know well enough that if there's something I can control, I will control it. Packing is one of the few things that I have so far had much control over, but it's just not getting done. It's not necessarily that I'm procrastinating. I don't really procrastinate much; just the odd assignment that is only weighted 5-10% of my grade. As a matter of fact, I've already pulled out most of what I plan on packing. I've carefully (sort of) considered what will be appropriate and what I'll need, discarded a number of things already that I've realized almost immediately will be useless, and changed my mind about a few items a few times. So it's all there, ready to be packed away in my suitcase. But my closet still looks like it's been sick all over my bedroom and nothing seems to want to hop into my suitcase.

You'll notice that I've been referring to my responsibility to pack and the items' desire to be packed interchangeably.

The bright side of this ramble is that this is just about the last thing on my list of priorities that has yet to be completed. This and picking up some bug lotion. I even managed to find a pretty fantastic swimsuit (keep your eyes on the sky - you're sure to see pigs up there any day now). But the darker side is that packing is a pretty important part of this whole plan.

I think what's preventing me is that I'm maybe feeling just a little tiny bit nervous. And I think the nervousness is coming from a silly little voice in my head that has begun to tell me that I just might not be capable of doing this. What if I arrive and everyone finds that I'm just in the way all the time? What if it turns out that I'm just a big imposter; that I really don't know anything about conflict and its resolution or any other remotely important or even relevant matter and I should just stick my head in the sand because I couldn't possibly have anything to contribute to the world.

Yes, I over-exaggerate. I know this. It's done purposefully in this case, because sometimes making fun of myself makes it easier to voice these silly things I'm thinking.

How is it that this anxiety could be preventing me from packing, you might ask? Throughout the whole process of practicum-planning, I have been setting markers that have indicated that things were really in motion and that this trip was really happening. Booking my flight was one of them. Receiving my visa was another (which has happened). Packing has become my final marker. Once I'm packed I feel like I will have reached the point where this is happening, anxious or not. Packed is point of no return.

Yes, I reached that point a loooong time ago. I know this. And really, I haven't once had any doubts that this is something that I want to do. But holy smokes, folks. I'm leaving FRIDAY. Running out of sleeps. My next post will be FROM KINSHASA.

Alright, then. I'm going to go home soon and pack.