Trouble packing

The trouble is that I really haven't done any of it. Don't get me wrong. I want to pack. I really do understand that I need to pack. But there's some sort of disconnect between my head - which knows that it's long past time to pack - and my arms and hands. The problem is that nothing seems to want to be rolled up and packed away. Those of you who know me well know well enough that if there's something I can control, I will control it. Packing is one of the few things that I have so far had much control over, but it's just not getting done. It's not necessarily that I'm procrastinating. I don't really procrastinate much; just the odd assignment that is only weighted 5-10% of my grade. As a matter of fact, I've already pulled out most of what I plan on packing. I've carefully (sort of) considered what will be appropriate and what I'll need, discarded a number of things already that I've realized almost immediately will be useless, and changed my mind about a few items a few times. So it's all there, ready to be packed away in my suitcase. But my closet still looks like it's been sick all over my bedroom and nothing seems to want to hop into my suitcase.

You'll notice that I've been referring to my responsibility to pack and the items' desire to be packed interchangeably.

The bright side of this ramble is that this is just about the last thing on my list of priorities that has yet to be completed. This and picking up some bug lotion. I even managed to find a pretty fantastic swimsuit (keep your eyes on the sky - you're sure to see pigs up there any day now). But the darker side is that packing is a pretty important part of this whole plan.

I think what's preventing me is that I'm maybe feeling just a little tiny bit nervous. And I think the nervousness is coming from a silly little voice in my head that has begun to tell me that I just might not be capable of doing this. What if I arrive and everyone finds that I'm just in the way all the time? What if it turns out that I'm just a big imposter; that I really don't know anything about conflict and its resolution or any other remotely important or even relevant matter and I should just stick my head in the sand because I couldn't possibly have anything to contribute to the world.

Yes, I over-exaggerate. I know this. It's done purposefully in this case, because sometimes making fun of myself makes it easier to voice these silly things I'm thinking.

How is it that this anxiety could be preventing me from packing, you might ask? Throughout the whole process of practicum-planning, I have been setting markers that have indicated that things were really in motion and that this trip was really happening. Booking my flight was one of them. Receiving my visa was another (which has happened). Packing has become my final marker. Once I'm packed I feel like I will have reached the point where this is happening, anxious or not. Packed is point of no return.

Yes, I reached that point a loooong time ago. I know this. And really, I haven't once had any doubts that this is something that I want to do. But holy smokes, folks. I'm leaving FRIDAY. Running out of sleeps. My next post will be FROM KINSHASA.

Alright, then. I'm going to go home soon and pack.

Eleven sleeps left...

J'arrive, Kinshasa!

This is unbelievable. It seems like I've been waiting for this trip for my whole life and have had so many expectations and preconceived notions about how I might feel should I actually make it happen. But now that all of my best laid plans are coming to fruition I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I suppose that seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?

It's an odd sort of feeling, this not knowing how to feel for an extended period of time. I'm looking around my bedroom which, as usual, looks like my closet just got sick, and my head feels exactly the same! There's an increasing amount of nervous, happy anxiety that is making it difficult for me to stay with one thought for long enough to finish it. And instead of packing, I feel more like making bracelets or cards or setting up my blog - not because I don't want to pack, by any means, but just because I feel like I should be going on with life as usual. Which, mind you, would have me at school studying for my last exam, not making bracelets. Do you see the ridiculous train of thought going on here?

I guess I might be psyching myself out a little. A little. It's all just so surreal.

Here is the list of things I have left to do (not entirely in order of importance - I'll work that out after I make the list):

1. Fill Rx for malaria meds. OK this one maybe is in order of importance.
2. Start malaria meds. This one too - I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to start them ten days before I leave.
3. Pack.
4. Unpack.
5. Pack again.
6. Write final exam on Tuesday. This probably belongs somewhere near the top.
7. Purchase swimsuit. Tried this out today and it did not go well.
8. Speak with prof about taking winter course in fall term next year.
9. Find out about health card needed at Kinshasa airport.
10. Phone DRC embassy at 10:00 Monday morning to arrange to have visa/passport courriered to home before flight. Since it's Sunday night now, I believe I'll have to bump the Rx filling out of first place for this one.
11. Purchase insectiside-treated mosquito net.
12. Purchase solid shampoo, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, minimum 30% DEET bug spray.
13. Purchase sleeping-bag liner (thanks, Kendra) and genius electrolyte replacement tablets from MEC.
14. Ask aunt & uncle how to manage $ for the next three months. This should probably be higher on the list than #14.
15. Get hair cut.
16. Visit with mom.
17. Visit with everyone else.
18. Submit country study to practicum advisor at Menno Simons. Before May 1.
19. Try to remember what else belongs on this list.

I'll let you know how it all works out :)